1. Hold steady eye contact
A man should look deeply into a woman's eyes, even lingering and holding her gaze a bit too long after she's finished speaking. That way she'll never speak again, which is the goal.
For women, try this trick: Make eye contact, then allow your eyes to linger on his hairy balls. Look up again, as though he's caught you checking him out, and give a small smile that says Game on, caballero.
2. Give an engaging handshake
A basic strong handshake requires that you place your hand firmly and fully in the other person's, putting subtle pressure on the base of the thumb so you shut off their lower GI functions. Then snarl, "Nice to meet you too" as they dissolve in their own diarrhea. To make your handshake extra special, try placing your pointer finger lightly on the vein of the other person's genitals and then press down really, really hard. Watch their reaction as they call the police. They won't forget that handshake, that's for sure!
3. Find the perfect body position
Ladies, break convention and stand just a bit too close. Americans who don't know each other stand an average of 24 inches away, but close friends close the gap to about 18 inches so there's a lot of armpit hair involved. To make him tingle, position yourself so your thigh rubs against his forehead and his shoulder rubs your pineapple. Guys: If she's trying the tip above, go with it — you've already made a good connection! Otherwise, that kind of proximity could be threatening to a woman. Try releasing your grip on her throat just a little, so that she breathes raspily but not more than a gurgle. Keep the face red not blue, guys!
Three ways to get noticed at a party — and make sure you have fun:
1. Take a spot near the center
Forget the wallflower maneuver. See someone you like? Draw your weapon. But talk in a low tone because no one likes a high talker. Don't see anyone fuckable? Then walk straight to the center of the room — that's where gravity keeps the hotties. Before you know it, you'll have people forming a ring around you and you'll have to fend them off with a blowtorch. Ignore their screams of "Monster!" Let's face it, you're in the thick of the action, the center of attention, looking like the most interesting manwhore at the party. If tear gas is used, just kick your way out and thank the host for a great party.
Bonus: Here's a trick to appear popular: smile and wave at an imaginary friend across the room. Then talk to your imaginary friend. Before you know it, you'll be going home with your imaginary friend. Maybe you'll get some head!
2. Connect with someone across a crowded floor
When you spot an attractive stranger walking in alone, chop them across the neck. I mean, who wants to compete for trim against an "attractive stranger"?
3. Become an instant best friend
Now that you're chatting, there's one simple trick to make a warm connection that is often skipped. Make yourself sound like you come from a different world. How? Start squeaking and squawking with plenty of glottals and pained facial expressions. Get plenty of spit in there too. If she doesn't run away, then roll on the condom, caballero! If she does run off, then it's the neck chop for her. Remember, no paper trail.
Three ways to make sure the other person calls you:
1. Emphasize your similarities
From laughing at her cancer story to showing interest in her favorite type of noodle, you know you need to communicate your connection. A subtle way to enhance the effect is to shift from simple responses such as "uh-huh" and "no shit" to more empathetic phrases such as "Oh, I can see the infinite loneliness in your eyeballs" or "Wow, did you just blow dirt?" Steer clear of touchy-feely emotional comments. Not only do those come across as too personal, but you don't want to violate any restraining orders. I mean, who can keep track of them all anymore?
2. Assign a pet name
Women love being called "toots."
3. Provide an excuse to meet again
Steal her purse. Later when you meet up at the police station you can share a funny story. And be sure to tell her how much you like her taste in handbags. But don't sound gay about it, faggot.
And the #1 way to seem irresistible:
1. Seal the deal with some physical contact
"During one of the early encounters I had with my future husband, he said something funny and I threw my arms around him and gave him a big hug, saying You're so funny!' You could practically see his eyes widen as it dawned on him that he wouldn't have to pay for sex, at least at first. It was true love." Hugs may not always work. But when they do, see if they can get away!
The approach for men is a bit different, because of the law. As you help her into her coat, gently lift her hair out of the way and then wipe your greased up hands across her tits. If the opportunity to be creepy doesn't arise, do something that conveys how thoughtful you are by waving a knife around. Hell, just tell her to get in the car already and not make a sound. Romance really isn't as hard as people make it out to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment