2010: MOBY DICK is brought to you by the folks who filled up a tornado with sharks--because sometimes those damn tornadoes needs sharks in them, damnit. And more Ian Ziering. But to return to our current masterpiece: 2010: MOBY DICK is what you get when you cross Spark Notes with Tom Clancy (but no tornado, sadly). The result is dumbfoundingly dumb. But at least we can take a trip down memory lane. Remember 2010? We were so LAME back then.
One thing we learn about this supposedly albino whale that's supposed to represent the horror of existence is that he sure is hungry. Here he is eating a helicopter.
Now he's eating an island.
And here he is trying to gulp down the sun!
Anyway, Moby Dick is minding his own business looking for a toothpick, when Barry Bostwick comes along in the USS Pequod, a Virginia class nuclear sub. He does his best Nic Cage impression as he does Captain Ahab doing the viewer in the ass.
"Christ Almighty, someone please stop me from acting. PLEASE."
He rounds up a crew of rags and tags, all the better to accomplish his mission to destroy a fish.
"Wait, Reggie...?!?"
Xena Princess Warrior's lesbian friend is aboard as a scientist who can understand "whale." She spends hours listening to tapes of sonar belches, squeaks and whistles--until she realizes she's listening to the new Sigur Ros.
"Come on, everyone! Throw me into the ocean! Hurry...!"
At the thrilling finish, Barry Bostwick gets out a giant visine gun and shoots lubrication into the terrifying sea monster's crusty, tired eyes. Kind of an update on Androcles and the Lion. Except with an eye. And a big whale.
No comments:
Post a Comment